11.02.06

a scoop of salad days

Posted in Scraps at 11:01 am by yud1

2nd grade — 16 yrs, summer

it reminds me back to the summer of the 2nd grade, where I used to be someone who doesn’t ask —neither being asked— much from life. a year when I used to live in a glimpse of my ordinary yet memorable daily life: going to high school and living by myself in the city, while enjoying walking down the street as the sun set by the days and striving for the best of my life.

and that’s by the time when I met this person: a simple, yet rather brilliant girl, and happened to be a classmate of mine. and as I was a rather-ignorant and less-confident person, —oddly enough— I found that this person was rather different than just any other girl in the class. and as ‘odd’ as it could get, with all the different traits-whatsoever between me and this person, we found each other sharing many common stuffs and interests.

“you know,” she said. “I’m not really good with mathematics either.” she said that as we were talking about such stuff after an exam.

“not such words from you,” I grasped. “either way, someone like you won’t say that for such numerical stuffs.”

“hmm. my score is not that lot of better than yours.” she replied calmly. “anyway, I’m taking remedial task for this exam. a pair-group task. got a pair already?”

“well then. we’ll be taking it.”

and it just happened that we took the remedial task. yet even then, even from what I saw, I could not comprehend that such a girl could say “no good with mathematics” and stuffs. and as I had never happen to be interested enough in mathematics, I could not guess worse that we would have such common sense towards mathematics.

putting it aside, I somehow found that in spite of our differences, we share more common stuffs and interests. that we were both interested in computer stuffs, while she was interested in web-design as I was interested in digital imaging. or such things that we happened to live in similar circumstances of our families. or the fact that both of us likes to talk to each other about many stuffs: friends, club activities, or anything we could talk about. or even some not-so-important stuffs, like how she said she likes CorelDraw better than Photoshop and I thought otherwise, as it would later develop into a sometimes-long chat.

“I’m leaving overseas,” as she started another conversation. “and now I’m busy with embassy stuffs and such.” she said. “a bit tiring, though.”

I asked when she would be leaving.

“still by the end of the term. but stuffs have been hectic lately.”

“isn’t it good? leaving overseas by yourself. it sure is fun.” I learned already that she would be participating in a student exchange.

“hey. how does it feel to live by yourself?”

“huh?”

“I mean, you are used to living by yourself here, and not coming home often…”

I knew that she was talking about being alone-and-far-away, and how tough it might have been. it was not something really hard to derive from the way a girl is talking. I took a deep breath.

“not really comparable, though. I started to live here as I was 14, and yet I do come home regularly.” it was a common reply. “but it was a bit tough at first. how I handle stuffs, this and that. but I found it fun after a while.” I shook my head. “and it has been fun, so far.” I smiled.

“…so.”

a short reply, but it was not so hard to derive what such word would mean, along with such expression. and that’s when I started to think: she is a girl, after all.

and that was all for the conversation as the class was starting.

and along with the ticks in the clocks, time passed. and it reminds me that how I used to sketch a drawing rather than listening to the teacher in biology classes (as she would say: “stop drawing, and listen at least.” and I replied “I’ll copy your notes later”), or how I asked her how to do differentiation towards ’strange-shaped’ (or at least what I thought so) polynomials during the mathematics class.

as for the day finally approaching that she was about to leave. she did not talk to me much about it, though. and as I was thinking of ‘what I am to her’: just a casual friend who she talks to about stuffs, I didn’t ask. and things just going that way.

she did talk about it to some other of her friends, while then they did a bit of farewell party. as for me, I tried not to really care about it, as she didn’t talk about it much to me. and as I was thinking, life was just what happened. the term was about to end, as well as her departure was approaching.

I didn’t really understand what happened though — she didn’t talk to me as much as before as she was going to leave. and I tried not to really care about it. perhaps that’s just the way it had to happen. she didn’t talk to me much about her departure, and I just didn’t ask her about such stuff. still, there was a bit of unusual choke inside me, yet I tried to suppress it as well as I could.

and as finally the day of departure came, a friend of mine in another class asked me to come and see her off.

“we are going to see the exchange students off at the airport. are you going?”

“…no.”

“you know, she is going to depart tomorrow. and as I know, you were rather close to her. shouldn’t you see her off?”

I tried to smile.

“…no. thank you.”

and that’s how it was. she had left, and I didn’t come to see her off. and still, that day, I wondered. what had I been to her? was it just another person? was it just a casual friend? was it even someone unreliable to her? or was it just nothing that I shouldn’t expect too much?

things had never been the same again ever since. I graduated from high school a year later, and there were not many chances for me to see her as she was still taking her 3rd grade as I had graduated.

but even now, I’m still wondering. what has that one year in the 2nd grade been to me? what has it left for me? perhaps it’s only my past, and such things should be left just like a past. yet even then, I’m not really sure about it.

maybe someday, when I see a glaring summer sky, I will remember once again. about that one year in the 2nd grade of high school in my life — and a memory that feels so distant as I think about it now.

by yud1 11:01 am 2 Comments

11.01.06

aku…

Posted in Personal at 9:17 am by yud1

“do you know how to strengthen a person? he first has to learn how weak and small he is.”

-Sakuragi Kenji-

gw seringkali berpikir (bukan. lebih tepatnya: menyadari) bahwa gw ini payah. bahwa gw tidak bisa melakukan apa-apa. bahwa apa-apa yang gw lakukan tidak bisa benar-benar sesuai harapan gw. dan kenyataan bahwa ada orang-orang yang selalu berada di depan gw, dan membuat gw merasa dengan telak bahwa apa-apa yang gw lakukan sama sekali ‘nggak ada apa-apanya’.

still, it makes me think that I’m unable to do many things that well. and I’m just feeling as bad as I see some people do things better than I did.

bukannya gw membenci orang-orang seperti itu, bahkan kenyataannya orang-orang seperti inilah yang gw hormati karena kemampuan mereka dan hal-hal hebat yang mereka lakukan. hanya saja, ada perasaan tidak-biasa di mana gw merasa bahwa gw ‘tidak bisa melakukan suatu hal sebaik itu’. dan buat gw, itu tidak menyenangkan.

…and compared to them, I’m just nothing. and it makes me feel not-so-good as I just couldn’t do things as well as they did.

tentu saja, ada banyak sekali hal-hal yang tidak bisa gw lakukan sebaik beberapa orang lain di bidang yang berbeda-beda.

gw bukanlah orang yang cukup cerdas untuk mendapatkan nilai sempurna di setiap ujian di kuliah. yang bisa gw lakukan adalah mencoba belajar dengan serius, dan berusaha untuk mendapatkan nilai yang bagus. kenyataannya, gw tidak selalu berhasil. ada orang-orang hebat yang bisa meraih hasil yang istimewa, sementara gw kadang terpaksa harus puas dengan apa yang gw raih.

gw juga bukanlah orang yang cukup hebat dalam berorganisasi. kadang gw bersikap kurang profesional, kadang gw merasa kurang baik dalam melakukan sesuatu, dan sebagainya. yang bisa gw lakukan hanyalah berusaha sebaik-baiknya, sementara ada orang-orang yang bisa melakukan hal tersebut dengan lebih baik daripada gw.

gw juga belum cukup jago programming. gw belum bisa seperti rekan-rekan yang bisa memecahkan dan melakukan coding soal programming contest hanya dalam hitungan menit dengan akurasi seratus persen. gw hanya bisa terus berusaha dan memperbaiki teknik, dengan hasil yang begitu-begitu saja.

gw tidak cukup memiliki cita rasa seni: gw belum bisa seperti rekan-rekan yang melakukan digital image design dan mendapatkan penghargaan dari MiniTokyo atau rekan-rekan yang melakukan vector-imaging dan mendapatkan favorites dari DeviantArt. gw hanya bisa terus belajar dan bertanya kepada yang lebih jago. dan jujur saja, gw masih payah dibanding orang-orang seperti ini.

gw juga tidak memiliki kemampuan dan jiwa sosial yang luar biasa. gw tidak bisa seperti rekan-rekan yang bisa melakukan dan menyumbangkan banyak hal kepada masyarakat. ada orang-orang yang gw hormati karena kemampuannya dalam hal seperti ini, tapi kenyataannya gw tidak bisa sebaik itu.

…yang lainnya? banyak deh. kayaknya bakal panjang kalau mau ditulis di sini. dan secara jujur, gw tidak merasa punya kelebihan yang bisa membuat gw sedikit bangga akan hal tersebut.

and to think bluntly, kalau ada orang-orang yang mendapatkan hasil yang lebih bagus daripada gw secara fair, maka kenyataannya hanya satu: gw lebih payah dibandingkan orang-orang ini.

it’s not that I’m not grateful with what I have. gw bersyukur dengan apa-apa yang gw punya, tapi hal seperti ini selalu membuat gw berpikir bahwa gw ini ‘masih payah, dan harus meningkatkan level gw’. dan dihadapkan dengan kenyataan bahwa ada orang-orang hebat (yang gw hormati karena kemampuan mereka), gw merasa bahwa gw bukan apa-apa dibandingkan mereka. dan gw tidak suka perasaan seperti itu.

tentu saja, sekalipun gw sudah berusaha, sekalipun gw sudah bertekad kuat, kalau gagal ya gagal saja. dan alasan hanya akan jadi alasan saja. belajar dengan serius dan usaha keras tidak ada harganya kalau nilai ujian gw jelek, misalnya. lupakan kata-kata manis seperti ‘kamu sudah berusaha’ atau ‘yang penting proses’. kenyataannya, ada orang-orang yang lebih hebat daripada gw, dan gw ini masih payah.

jadi, sebenarnya gw ini hanyalah seseorang yang mengandalkan tekad dan kemauan untuk belajar. hasilnya? nanti dulu deh, kadang-kadang (sering?) malah begitu tidak bagusnya, sampai-sampai gw malas sendiri mengingatnya. apalagi dibanding orang-orang yang berada di depan gw di berbagai bidang yang berbeda. dan seperti biasa, modal tekad dan kemauan akan percuma saja tanpa hasil. jadi… yah, begitu deh.

…dan suatu saat, gw ingin berdiri se-level dengan orang-orang tersebut. entah apakah suatu hari hal tersebut akan terjadi, mungkin saja tidak. tapi satu hal yang cukup jelas: sekarang ini gw masih payah.

by yud1 9:17 am 1 Comment