11.27.07
learning to love?
“…but, isn’t it okay to learn to love someone who loves me as a girl?”
___
a friend of mine -a girl- said that once. while unknowingly understanding the deeper meaning of that line, I could not argue with that. while I could not say that I agreed, and while deep inside I could feel my heart breaking; not because of the person saying that, but rather because of the deeper meaning that lied within the words.
isn’t it okay to learn to love someone who loves me as a girl?
that’s the million dollar question. at the time I couldn’t argue, while at the time I also couldn’t agree. and still, I never liked that: why is it that a girl has to decide to learn to love a guy back? why is it that at times, a girl has to start a relationship while not really knowing about her feeling?
somehow, it pains me. not because I care about their feelings whatsoever (that’s their business, not mine), but how I see that I don’t like being treated that way. I have no business with the prince-charming who will act-all-the-way to approach the loving-in-progress princess, but it breaks my heart so that I could never accept such kind of relationship.
unfortunately, girls are the same.
I’m not to say that it’s entirely wrong; I did see relationships that went and had been working well that way. and nothing is wrong when it comes to this matter; as long as none of the sides being hurt, there should be no problem.
…still, I don’t want to accept that.
sometimes I wonder if girls do have their feelings right. considering the situations and circumstances I encountered, I found that more girls tend to act that way: commitment first, learn to love later. going out in the first place, while taking care of their feelings later.
it can’t be generalized, though. I did happen to see girls with different approach towards that matter, in much less significant cases. but mostly, cases aforementioned is quite common… perhaps, or I haven’t seen enough. anyone help me on that, if there are any mistakes.
put aside people’s matter now, assuming that they are happy with that. but as for me, I could never accept being treated that way. still, I would prefer being rejected in the first place rather than undergoing such relationship. ‘odd’ as it seems, perhaps. but that’s the way it is.
now that I think of it, to me it comes like a cheap symphathy: I don’t want to be loved back with such reasons. I don’t want to engage in a relationship in which the affection doesn’t begin from both sides. I don’t want a girl learning to love me back while undergoing an established relationship.
I don’t want to trade my feeling for cheap reasons. if I have to entrust my feeling and trust to someone else, then it has to be a person who is able to accept that - and is prepared to entrust her feeling as well. perhaps quite much that I ask, yet so much that it takes.
perhaps I’m dreaming. perhaps I’m being idealistic. I don’t really mind, though. I have decided on that particular matter, and I’m not going to hold it back. could be hard as it seems, but I don’t mind.
I don’t need such (fakingly true) one-sided romance, perhaps that’s it.
someday, maybe I will find that particular person. someone to whom I can entrust my feeling, and someone to whom I can be honest. maybe I will not, and if that’s the way it has to happen, then so be it.
…
…perhaps, I’ll still be alone for a long time.