learning to love?

“…but, isn’t it okay to learn to love someone who loves me as a girl?”

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a friend of mine -a girl- said that once. while unknowingly understanding the deeper meaning of the saying, I couldn’t argue with that. while I couldn’t say that I agreed either, and while deep inside I could also feel my heart breaking; not because of the person saying that, but rather because of the deeper meaning lying underneath the words.

isn’t it okay to learn to love someone who loves me as a girl?

that’s the million dollar question. at the time I couldn’t argue, while at the time I also couldn’t agree. and still, I never really like that: why is it that a girl has to decide to learn to love a guy back? why is it that, at times, a girl has to start a relationship without really knowing about her feeling?

somehow, it pains me. not because I care about their feelings whatsoever (that’s their business, not mine), but how I see that I don’t like being treated in such way. I have no business with the prince-charming who will act-all-the-way to approach the loving-in-progress princess, but it breaks my heart enough so that I could never accept such kind of relationship.

unfortunately, it seems like girls are all the same.

I’m not to say it’s entirely wrong; I did see relationships that went and had been working well that way. and nothing is really wrong when it comes to this matter; as long as neither of the sides being hurt, there should be no problem.

…still, I don’t want to accept that.

sometimes I wonder if girls do have their feelings right. considering the situations and circumstances I’ve encountered, what I found was that more girls tend to act that way: commitment first, learn to love later. going out in the first place, while taking care of their feelings later.

it can’t be generalized though. I did happen to see girls with different approach towards such matter, albeit in much less significant cases. but mostly, aforementioned cases is quite common… perhaps, or maybe I haven’t seen enough. anyone help me on that if there are any mistakes.

let’s put aside people’s matter now, assuming they are happy with it. but as for me, I could never accept being treated that way. still, I would prefer being rejected on the first place rather than undergoing such relationship. ‘odd’ as it seems perhaps, but that’s the way it is.

now that I think of it, to me it comes like a cheap sympathy: I don’t want to be loved back with such reasons. I don’t want to engage in a relationship in which the affection doesn’t begin from both sides. I don’t want a girl learning to love me back while undergoing an established relationship.

I don’t want to trade my feeling for cheap reasons. if I have to entrust my feeling and trust to someone else, then it has to be a person who is able to accept that — and is also prepared to entrust her feeling as well. perhaps quite much that I ask, yet so much that it takes.

perhaps I’m dreaming. perhaps I’m being idealistic. I don’t really mind though. I have decided on that particular matter, and I’m not going to hold back. could be hard as it seems, but I don’t mind.

I don’t need such (fakingly true) one-sided romance, perhaps that’s it.

someday, maybe I will find that particular person. someone to whom I can entrust my feeling, and someone to whom I can be honest. maybe I will not, and if that’s the way it has to happen, then so be it.

…perhaps, I’ll still be alone for a long time.

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