whatever, I don’t care

“as long as you don’t keep your hopes high, you can take on anything. you feel less pain.”

-Squall Leonhart-

___

I used to say such lines. ‘whatever’, ‘I don’t care’, or such in those kind of lines. to me in those days, it’s just trivial matter that I wouldn’t want to carry any people’s burden — nor would I want to be a burden for any people. it’s just fair and square, as long as neither side being hurt whatsoever.

on those days I learned not to trust, nor to wish upon anything. life was just what happened; if I mess up, I would have to make it up. if I got screwed, then it’s my fault. it’s just that simple that people are responsible for what they have; saying about ‘fate’, ‘bad luck’ or such things on the line are merely sugarcoating. in the end, what people call ‘victims’ are not necessarily innocent; the culprit is indeed at fault, but those ‘victims’ are also at fault for letting themselves being screwed.

…at least, that is it in the past.

perhaps I have changed in some or other ways. bearing in mind that to care more might lead to get hurt more, I led my life as the way it has been. learned to listen and to share, et cetera et cetera, and perhaps some bit of ‘sweety-mooshy stuffs’ in the way… while seeing how much of fake illusions it could be in the process.

when you start to care, you tend to get sore. you are prone to disappointment, and you start to think that ‘it’s better this way’, or ‘it’s better that way’ to those people (and their stuffs and problems whatsoever) you care. all while bearing in mind that ‘you are doing this for their sake’, or ‘this is the way it should be’. you take the burden of those you care (or love), and then you have the justifications to be a ‘hero’.

and that’s the way it is: whether it is friends or lovers, comrades or buddies, and so forth. that’s what they call ‘friendship’. or ‘love’. or whatever you may want to call it. and what they say is true to some extent, yet not necessarily as it is in other ways.

yes, it definitely is nice to live in the world where caring and understanding come first. unfortunately, the world we live in is never, nor would it ever be that nice. good intentions are not always perceived as good; it was never utopia on the first place.

it was never utopia. people wish for utopia, but they are only contradicting themselves. people want to be understood, only in oblivious manners. perhaps there was no understanding being needed; a mere act of comfort and conformity just would do in some or other ways.

and got dragged to burden of other people, cursed for caring, and worn out as it would be — it was never really nice to begin with.

perhaps, it would be easier if I said ‘whatever’ or ‘I don’t care’ on the first place.

…whatever.

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