only a memory, only mine

see me off, dear sweet summer rain
so that we’ll keep walking even while crying
to the beginning that we trust

___

how long has it been ever since, I guess is only rhetorical question whose answer is also vague as well — probably years, and it should have been another distant period of time already. yes, it should; along with whatever may lie within, and that’s how it was supposed to be.

supposed. or so, but it’s never that simple after all.

it has been years already, or so as I remember it. fond memories, perhaps. but even memories are only fragile, and ephemeral; only as vague proof of someone living a life, residing only inside its very owner.

but is a memory precious, if it’s never of truth to begin with?

walking through the hallway, I stepped on the unchanging path I used to take on those years. no longer I will, but I guess it’s only nostalgic; the classroom that looked as if freezing in time. the leftmost seat on the second row I used to take. and everything else of the story that never was, standing in the hollow silence.

she used to be there. but then again, the whole situation was a mistake; everything was never of truth on the first place, and those moments were only facade. perhaps everything was wrong to begin with, and it was never supposed to be anything to me back then. perhaps not even to that girl, not even to anyone else.

because what was everything to me was never meant to be true to begin with.

the whole situation was a mistake. even if I were to wish, it’s only meaningless; if only things didn’t go this way, if only things didn’t go that way — in the end, it was never of truth to begin with.

but still, even if everything is only lie, only to that moment I want to believe. it’s only small and fragile as I recall, but I want to believe in that something I saw on that moment — even if it was only a little shard of truth, even if it was only that of an ephemeral moment.

perhaps it’s meaningless. but only for this time, only for that reason, I want to believe in her for whatever it was back then.

it was a memory only mine. to the others, it’s simply a mistake — or doesn’t even exist to begin with. no matter what, no matter how it was back then; in the end, that’s all there is to it.

the distant sunset in front of my eyes, faraway as those moments to me. grasping the suffocating reminiscence under the scenery of vermilion shades — there I was, realizing; it was never that simple, after all.

August, few years back. I met her. I learned of that something I used to have, as well as that something I wanted to discard later then.

August, this year. I learned that those memories are always there; along with the lingering traces of affection, and the vivid reminiscence that refused to let go.

as I think about it now, it has been a while; I guess that’s the way it is, but I don’t really mind anyway.

someday, I’ll probably forget about her. I’ll probably forget about her face, and I’ll probably forget about those memories as well. but I guess I’ll remember; how those things used to be on that moment, how she used to be there — and how I used to love her.

…yeah. I loved her.

17 Comments

  1. August 26, 2008 at 10:04 pm - link to this comment

    *speechless* 😐

  2. August 27, 2008 at 5:51 am - link to this comment

    hmm..
    dalem..

  3. August 27, 2008 at 11:53 pm - link to this comment

    Ini kisah nyata?

  4. August 28, 2008 at 12:14 am - link to this comment

    ^

    kelihatannya gimana? :mrgreen:

  5. grace
    August 28, 2008 at 10:03 am - link to this comment

    …yeah. I loved her.

    br bisa admit sekarang y yud?
    apa di simpen aja selama ini smpe akhirnya jd sedalem itu dan susah dilupain masih di recall sampe sekarang ini?
    hmhm….

  6. August 28, 2008 at 6:18 pm - link to this comment

    br bisa admit sekarang y yud?
    apa di simpen aja selama ini smpe akhirnya jd sedalem itu dan susah dilupain masih di recall sampe sekarang ini?

    if only it’s that simple… I guess it would never turn the way things are now to begin with. let’s just say something happened, and I learned what used to be everything to me was never meant to be true to begin with.

    well… let’s just say that it’s not that simple. as being said already, the whole situation was a mistake. even now it’s only useless — I’m not explaining further details anyway. 😉

  7. August 28, 2008 at 9:31 pm - link to this comment

    ^

    if only it’s that simple… I guess it would never turn the way things are now to begin with. let’s just say something happened, and I learned what used to be everything to me was never meant to be true to begin with.

    Lo apa enggak wangsting nih kalau ngomong gitu…? ^^;;

    *trennya kok mengkhawatirkan*

  8. August 29, 2008 at 6:04 am - link to this comment

    itu bukan wangst, duh. (——‘ )

    let’s just say that it’s only simple explanation about the situation… ah, and some edit to my previous comment. walaupun sebenarnya nggak sesederhana itu juga, sih. 😉

    ~habisnya grace nanya sih :mrgreen:

  9. August 29, 2008 at 9:44 am - link to this comment

    bahasanya sastra banget….

    i like this post…
    ya, every moments will color you life…

  10. August 29, 2008 at 11:56 am - link to this comment

    ah, and some edit to my previous comment.

    Curang! Elemen wangst-nya jadi ilang…!! 😮 :mrgreen:

    *nullPointerException*

    but I guess I’ll remember; how those things used to be on that moment, how she used to be there — and how I used to love her.

    …yeah. I loved her.

    Udah, cari lagi yang baru. Sepuluh… 😆

    ~wejanganSesat

  11. August 29, 2008 at 8:56 pm - link to this comment

    Tak pikir2, ya mirip kisah nyata sih… (mirip??? :mrgreen: ).
    Pantesan seru.. (seru??!)

    Kalau tulisan2 melo, biasanya saya susah ngasih komentar. 😀

  12. August 31, 2008 at 10:17 pm - link to this comment

    UI ga cuma Jakarta
    Salemba ada, Depok pun punya
    Romadhon ga cuma puasa
    Berani, kita balapan pahala?
    😀
    Met puasa. Mohon maaf lahir batin ya…

    -Agung, csui05-

  13. September 2, 2008 at 6:55 pm - link to this comment

    …yeah. I loved her.

    it was also a mistake?

  14. September 3, 2008 at 11:48 pm - link to this comment

    …yeah. I loved her.

    it was also a mistake?

    maybe… but even as I think about it now, it was never of that kind of story on the first place. perhaps, it’s only a mistake to begin with; with whatever it left to me, and so on and so on.

    I guess it can’t be helped. it’s not a mistake that I used to have that feeling; but as what was said, it was a memory only mine. to the others, it’s simply a mistake — or doesn’t even exist to begin with.

    oh well, it has been a while… life is only passing by, no matter what. 😉

  15. Rizma
    September 9, 2008 at 1:41 pm - link to this comment

    😥
    Terhaaarrruuu!!!!!!

    Ga tau kenapa, pokoknya Ma terharu!!
    Ma jadi merasa bersalah gara gara mau nyomblangin yud1 nih, eh, apa malah membantu ya? 😛

    anw, seneng juga bisa baca salah satu lagi sisi dari seorang yud1,, :mrgreen:

  16. September 21, 2008 at 1:21 am - link to this comment

    dan lagi2 aku menjalankan kebiasaan berpikir “siapa dia..”, bukan tentang “apa yang kamu pernah jalani..”

  17. June 15, 2011 at 3:38 am - link to this comment

    orang baca tulisan ini bisa jatuh cinta, serius,

2 Trackbacks

  1. […] thinking much about anything else when I started writing. it was on August 24 that I wrote ‘only a memory, only mine‘, one week prior the graduation ceremony of my class in […]

  2. By 5 tahun, dan silakan bertanya – .shards on April 21, 2011 at 7:38 pm

    […] satunya saya kira a scoop of salad days, selain only a memory, only mine. untuk tulisan yang agak baru, saya sendiri cukup menyukai suatu hari di Jakarta, tapi ini mungkin […]