Month: August 2010

…and there I was, looking into her eyes, trying to smile as hard as I could, with dreary eyes I couldn’t see of my own.

“promise me. that this time, you wouldn’t ask…”

a discordant silence. a pair of deeply concerned eyes delving into mine. and the words she knew she wouldn’t say. a silent prayer where it was, needed no one to reach to.

her perplexed look. her concerned eyes. as if she wanted to say something, whether or not I asked not to, the look in her eyes confirmed the question both of us understood very well.

I averted her eyes in silent despair. yet even then, more than that, I wanted to hold her in my arms. I wanted her not to see my face, not to see my eyes — not in such circumstances, if it would at least be easier for both of us. but in the end all I could do was only telling her what I used to say, perhaps not even a good one at it.

“it’s okay. tomorrow I’ll be fine…”

that was what I told her. trying to smile once again, I pat her on the head as I walked few steps past her behind me. she was puzzled, but at the very least, still it was easier that way for us.

only for that time, I didn’t want her to ask. only for that time, I’m sure she would understand. and more than that, I believed in her — that I would be okay, that she would understand, and that the following day she would smile to me just like she always did.

“…you will be okay, right?”

a palpable pain in her words. unbeknownst to things left unsaid, only with those disconcerted feelings between us. grasping the silence and remaining sense of pain, I decided not to look back at her. not that time, not where I wouldn’t want her to look into my eyes once again.

still with my back against her, yet to walk with blurry eyes I didn’t want her to see, I clenched my fist in torment.

“…for you, I will.”

it’s a promise.

___

—written on an afternoon in August

suddenly, I remember those days. those long-lasting days that went like forever. those far, faraway days when I used to be a less-confident, more ignorant person. those days when I was younger, in one of which I met a girl in my life.

it was also those days when we talked about many things in sometimes-long chats. those days when we used to tag along together. those days when we seemed never to run out of things to talk about. those days when we were sometimes mistaken for being a couple, though then again we wouldn’t even care about it.

16 years old. summer. 8 years back.

come to think of it, it’s only later I understand that we were of the similar breed. different as night and day, but if there is something common between us is that we were never content about what we couldn’t reach or what we couldn’t have back then. we would run, we would never have enough, didn’t even care to ask how far away we would have to go — the remnants of those days, still lingering even until now.

I remember that years later. she had been a professional, as I had been for a while. past the minutes and hour mark, empty plates and dishes, and we were talking about things: how things were going for each other, personal and professional matters, things at work, and anything else we ended up talking about.

as I think about it again, I don’t really understand either. things changed, and so were we. that her I saw that night was different from that her I saw when I was 16 years old, and that me she saw was never the same with that me from eight years back.

I, for one, am no longer the same introverted and less-confident student I used to be. she was no longer the same somewhat-insecure girl I knew despite her achievements. we were no longer talking about those days, nor did we think too much about it. but still, I wonder: what was it that kept us the way we were? then again it wasn’t something like what people may think of; it was never, it has never been that way to begin with.

I don’t know, I don’t really understand, and perhaps it’s not something one needs to understand either. sometimes there is only then, after whatever we have been through, between the restless days and busy weeks, that we only feel like to talk to each other about many things just like how we used to be. or perhaps it’s just me, but either way I guess I’m just getting used to it.

today, I happened to stumble upon her writing from a while back. it was something simple, down to earth, but still it reminds me. the more I think about it, I guess it’s true that we are not so much different after all. time goes by, things changed, but still that part of us remains the same as we used to be.

it has been a while. and today, more than I could usually think of, I feel like I want to talk to her. about things, about what and how we are doing, and whatever it is we have yet to achieve; I have mine, she has hers, and one thing for sure, I know that for those reasons known to us we are not going to stop at where we are now.

looking at the phonebook contacts, thinking for few more moments, I cancelled the message I was intending to write. it’s not really like me being whimsical and all, but I guess I’ll think about it later.

me and the 1st Princess. ever the same between us, just like the way we were.