twenty-three days into the new year. in these days things have been mostly back to normal, or rather, the person has been recovering, if one could put it that way.
though it does take time. on the other hand probably not in the traditional sense; like if one were to say ‘time heals all wounds’, it would probably be as helpful as saying ‘just don’t think of it and get on with life’.
not that it’s wrong, but I digress…
I remember the parallel I read once.
let’s say you are in a room with only one door. suddenly, one of the columns becomes dislodged, and if it falls it would be really dangerous for the person inside, i.e. you. so you hold your back against the dislodged column so that it won’t fall, while calling outside and people to help you get out of the place.
let’s say an hour later help comes, with the heavy equipment to alleviate you from the burden. you are finally free, you could finally walk out to safety, but then you realize that you couldn’t really walk right; your muscles feel sore, also with spasms that your gait doesn’t feel quite right.
strange, but you didn’t feel anything, not until you walk away and take some distance from the situation at least. and as one could have guessed, for the next few days you will likely have backaches and sore muscles.
but that’s normal. and that’s okay. whether physical or psychological, similar things apply too.
people often tell me that I might have been a little bit too hard on myself at times. probably rightly so. ‘I should have been all right’. ‘I have responsibilities’. ‘I want to be back as soon as possible’. that’s what I often found me telling myself.
but it doesn’t work that way. if I had fracture on my leg, I couldn’t simply be expecting to ‘man up’ and walk again in three days. I mean, I could, but I wouldn’t be able to walk anyway. and, again, be it broken leg or broken heart, similar things apply too.
of course, me being me, I would probably (stupidly) think ‘excuse, excuse…’. and, of course, we could probably agree that it’s not really that helpful.
in the three years I may have been holding the proverbial column on my own, with no other choices but to take care of myself on my own. and I felt fine, really felt fine, probably just like the man in the room.
but then I couldn’t walk right for a while. and that’s… normal, actually.
in the three months I might have found it hard, or rather not so easy, to deal with all the loss, the recoil, and everything that comes with the package.
but expecting full recovery in three months after three years are probably too soon after all. maybe I’m expecting too much from myself too. but things do get better. or rather, the person does get better. in time. probably further 5-8 weeks (for me) to be back firing on all cylinders though…
but for me, right now, one step at a time. that would be good enough.