I often wonder what it means to be ‘good enough’. for myself, for someone else, for other people. for everyone, if at all possible, but of course before one says anything about it—I know, that’s not possible, not in any realistic manner at least.
but still, I often wonder.
because it sure doesn’t feel any ‘good enough’, so often, so many times. when I wanted to prove myself for myself. when I wanted to be there for others. when I wanted to take on things, to the best I could be, and still came up short in the end.
maybe there really is no meaning, after all.
for each ‘almost there’ at school, for each ‘didn’t make it’ at work, for each rejection in life. things that so much so I wanted to say, ‘I’m used to it’, but in the end it’s just me never really used to it. like a hollow theater of acceptance, if that makes any sense.
but then again, maybe I’ve grown too, in my own ways.
I remember back at school, every PE session was a pain. physically, mentally, socially. I was never able to run a full mile back then. but the me today was able to do just that, several times over. I remember at work, there were moments I felt devastated being passed over for things I had seriously pursued. but the me today has gone through better things more than few times ever since. as much I might have been reluctant to look at it, I would be lying if I just dismiss things and say, ‘nah, things don’t change, I still suck at things and I hate how it is’. because, no, that would not be honest nor true to myself.
but in how many ways could ‘better’ be ‘good enough’?
I don’t know. as much as I want to say that I have been trying my damnedest to be the best I could be, even after all this time, each failure stings. each rejection hurts.
“it is possible to make no mistakes and still lose,” I remember the saying, captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Star Trek fame, “that is not a weakness. that is life.” I like to think that’s true, but, really, how could it be so hard to see at times, I don’t know.
I wish I could be good enough.
but I couldn’t, and as much as I want to say ‘that’s okay’, it really doesn’t feel that way, not to me, not in the past years, not today.
you win some, you lose some, but you get to live another day. that might well just be life in a nutshell, like 99.99% of the time. but maybe I haven’t grown mature enough, maybe long overdue at that.