Scraps

2nd grade — 16 yrs, summer

it reminds me back to the summer of the 2nd grade, where I used to be someone who doesn’t ask —neither being asked— much from life. a year when I used to live in a glimpse of my ordinary yet memorable daily life: going to high school and living by myself in the city, while enjoying walking down the street as the sun set by the days and striving for the best of my life.

and that’s by the time when I met this person: a simple, yet rather brilliant girl, and happened to be a classmate of mine. and as I was a rather-ignorant and less-confident person, —oddly enough— I found that this person was rather different than just any other girl in the class. and as ‘odd’ as it could get, with all the different traits-whatsoever between me and this person, we found each other sharing many common stuffs and interests.

“you know,” she said. “I’m not really good with mathematics either.” she said that as we were talking about such stuff after an exam.

“not such words from you,” I grasped. “either way, someone like you won’t say that for such numerical stuffs.”

“hmm. my score is not that lot of better than yours.” she replied calmly. “anyway, I’m taking remedial task for this exam. a pair-group task. got a pair already?”

“well then. we’ll be taking it.”

and it just happened that we took the remedial task. yet even then, even from what I saw, I could not comprehend that such a girl could say “no good with mathematics” and stuffs. and as I had never happen to be interested enough in mathematics, I could not guess worse that we would have such common sense towards mathematics.

putting it aside, I somehow found that in spite of our differences, we share more common stuffs and interests. that we were both interested in computer stuffs, while she was interested in web-design as I was interested in digital imaging. or such things that we happened to live in similar circumstances of our families. or the fact that both of us likes to talk to each other about many stuffs: friends, club activities, or anything we could talk about. or even some not-so-important stuffs, like how she said she likes CorelDraw better than Photoshop and I thought otherwise, as it would later develop into a sometimes-long chat.

“I’m leaving overseas,” as she started another conversation. “and now I’m busy with embassy stuffs and such.” she said. “a bit tiring, though.”

I asked when she would be leaving.

“still by the end of the term. but stuffs have been hectic lately.”

“isn’t it good? leaving overseas by yourself. it sure is fun.” I learned already that she would be participating in a student exchange.

“hey. how does it feel to live by yourself?”

“huh?”

“I mean, you are used to living by yourself here, and not coming home often…”

I knew that she was talking about being alone-and-far-away, and how tough it might have been. it was not something really hard to derive from the way a girl is talking. I took a deep breath.

“not really comparable, though. I started to live here as I was 14, and yet I do come home regularly.” it was a common reply. “but it was a bit tough at first. how I handle stuffs, this and that. but I found it fun after a while.” I shook my head. “and it has been fun, so far.” I smiled.

“…so.”

a short reply, but it was not so hard to derive what such word would mean, along with such expression. and that’s when I started to think: she is a girl, after all.

and that was all for the conversation as the class was starting.

and along with the ticks in the clocks, time passed. and it reminds me that how I used to sketch a drawing rather than listening to the teacher in biology classes (as she would say: “stop drawing, and listen at least.” and I replied “I’ll copy your notes later”), or how I asked her how to do differentiation towards ‘strange-shaped’ (or at least what I thought so) polynomials during the mathematics class.

as for the day finally approaching that she was about to leave. she did not talk to me much about it, though. and as I was thinking of ‘what I am to her’: just a casual friend who she talks to about stuffs, I didn’t ask. and things just going that way.

she did talk about it to some other of her friends, while then they did a bit of farewell party. as for me, I tried not to really care about it, as she didn’t talk about it much to me. and as I was thinking, life was just what happened. the term was about to end, as well as her departure was approaching.

I didn’t really understand what happened though — she didn’t talk to me as much as before as she was going to leave. and I tried not to really care about it. perhaps that’s just the way it had to happen. she didn’t talk to me much about her departure, and I just didn’t ask her about such stuff. still, there was a bit of unusual choke inside me, yet I tried to suppress it as well as I could.

and as finally the day of departure came, a friend of mine in another class asked me to come and see her off.

“we are going to see the exchange students off at the airport. are you going?”

“…no.”

“you know, she is going to depart tomorrow. and as I know, you were rather close to her. shouldn’t you see her off?”

I tried to smile.

“…no. thank you.”

and that’s how it was. she had left, and I didn’t come to see her off. and still, that day, I wondered. what had I been to her? was it just another person? was it just a casual friend? was it even someone unreliable to her? or was it just nothing that I shouldn’t expect too much?

things had never been the same again ever since. I graduated from high school a year later, and there were not many chances for me to see her as she was still taking her 3rd grade as I had graduated.

but even now, I’m still wondering. what has that one year in the 2nd grade been to me? what has it left for me? perhaps it’s only my past, and such things should be left just like a past. yet even then, I’m not really sure about it.

maybe someday, when I see a glaring summer sky, I will remember once again. about that one year in the 2nd grade of high school in my life — and a memory that feels so distant as I think about it now.

…mungkin, ada baiknya aku pergi keluar sejenak. mencoba keluar dari kamar yang nyaman ini dan disambut dengan matahari sore yang dan kemilau hijau daun yang terbaur oleh jingga matahari.

mencoba main arcade di game center yang mungkin bisa jadi pilihan, mengingatkanku akan sebuah game arcade yang kutamatkan beberapa bulan lalu, dengan sebuah GunCon di tangan, dan teriakan gaduh ‘FREEZE!’ ‘RELOAD!’ dan sebagainya. desing-desing peluru maya menyambut, dan aku-pun balik menembak; dan matilah orang-orang itu, menyisakan kesenangan kecil dengan sebuah game yang tampaknya belum kehilangan daya tariknya.

atau sekadar jalan-jalan di bawah matahari sore, di antara ruko-ruko dan tempat berjualan, yang diselingi supermarket dan toko serba ada. dan mungkin mampir untuk minum teh atau kopi di sela maghrib nanti, yang tampaknya masih belum terburu-buru datang. mungkin juga diselingi anak-anak yang sedang bersepeda dan sedikit-gaduh, atau orangtua yang berbelanja kebutuhan di bulan puasa, atau keluarga yang sedang menghabiskan waktu di akhir minggu.

biasanya aku menikmati kopi dan kue di saat-saat seperti ini — sebuah sore di akhir minggu yang hangat dan berangin, kalau saja hari ini bukan bulan puasa. atau sekadar duduk dan berpikir, atau membalik-balik halaman buku-buku yang kubeli beberapa waktu lalu, dan tak habis dibaca di sela-sela tugas kuliah dan deadline yang menumpuk.

bisa juga aku pergi ke mal-mal dan menghabiskan waktu, seraya melakukan apa yang disebut mereka yang melakukannya sebagai ‘nongkrong’ — tapi tidak, terima kasih. aku tak hendak menjadi seperti mereka yang menyatakan diri ‘gaul’ sementara mereka hanyalah anak-anak manja yang dengan bangganya memamerkan harta pemberian orangtua mereka — telepon genggam yang bagus? mobil-mobil keren? membuatku ingin tertawa melihat begitu bisa mereka pamer sementara masih harus minta uang jajan setiap bulan kepada orangtua mereka yang hebat.

atau menonton sebuah ‘televisi musik’, sebuah ranah tempat pelampiasan ketidakpercayadirian anak-anak muda, tempat mereka mencari identitas ‘gaul’ di tengah ketidakberdayaan diri? ya, di tengah ketidakberdayaan yang terus mengungkung, melarikan diri dari dunia yang keras — setidaknya untuk sementara? tapi kupikir, tidak. itu bukan, tidak pernah, dan mungkin tidak akan pernah untukku.

…ya, mungkin ada baiknya aku keluar sejenak. mencoba menjalani dan menikmati saat-saat yang ada sekarang ini, dan melakukan apa-apa yang mungkin belum sempat kulakukan. mungkin, akan kupikirkan tentang ini nanti.

tapi kurasa, saat ini aku hanya akan menulis di sini dulu, hanya saja kali ini tanpa secangkir kopi yang hampir selalu menemani di sore akhir minggu. duduk dan menulis di sini, dengan angin sore yang mungkin akan menyapa sekali-kali setelah melewati padang rumput dan rimbun pepohonan, dengan wangi angin yang tidak selalu sama.

di sini, waktu seolah berhenti.

terbangun di siang hari dan disapa oleh angin kering dan sedikit panas, di rumah ini waktu seolah berhenti. desau angin membisu, dan lebih banyak diamnya. terang matahari pagi menjelang siang menghangatkan suasana sepi, dan sesekali ditingkahi kicau burung yang terlambat; seharusnya berhenti ramai sedari pagi.

di sini, saat ini, waktu seolah berhenti. angin mati, hanya vitrase yang sedikit bergoyang di sisi kamar. pigura jendela menyajikan pemandangan hijau yang langka — ya, kapan terakhir kali aku bersandar, dan memandang daun-daun hijau yang seolah tak hendak jatuh, menantang usianya? atau tidak — mereka selalu ada; hanya luput dari mataku yang memang tak hendak ke mana-mana ini.

di luar, meja kaca dikelilingi kursi-kursi kulit keras. seolah mencoba memutar kenangan-kenangan di tempatnya, yang tampaknya berhasil sebatas potongan yang melompat-lompat. sinar matahari menerpa dari void, jatuh ke lantai. sebagian memantul dan menampilkan sisi lain dari fenomena alam yang nyaris tidak pernah kulihat lagi: pelangi, di dinding dan kaki meja; seberkas sinar matahari yang teruraikan oleh meja kaca.

dan ya, lemari kayu besar dan tinggi di sisi lain berdiri sampai ke atap, dengan sedikit angkuh memandang ke bawah. begitu tinggi, seolah menantang untuk membuka pintu-pintunya yang sombong sampai ke atap; sebuah menara gading yang diam dan membisu.

di sini, saat ini, waktu seolah berhenti. dunia sepi, tanpa suara derum sepeda motor yang kadang meraung mengganggu pikiran, dan membuat orang ingin menyumpah semoga sepeda motor itu jatuh saja dan diam selamanya. beberapa kali angin menerobos masuk melalui lubang-lubang dan jendela, dan membawa udara kering serta kadang-kadang sedikit debu yang bahkan tidak cukup untuk mengotori sepetak kecil lantai keramik.

tidak ada orang, tidak ada suara. kecuali detak jam dinding yang terasa begitu akrab di telinga dan sedikit desau angin yang ditingkahi suara gesekan daun-daun — yang kembali mengingatkanku akan masa kecil dulu: matahari yang panas tapi tidak terik, diiringi desah daun dan rumput di siang hari. dan hari-hari sibuk menjadi terasa begitu jauh.

tapi aku tahu, saat-saat ini tidak akan ada selamanya. sebentar lagi, suara anak-anak di luar akan ramai meningkahi suasana. dan matahari akan beranjak turun, menggantikan nuansa dengan siluet jingga yang tidak akan sama.

ah. iya. masih ada tugas Analisis Numerik untuk dikumpulkan hari Senin. tapi kurasa, untuk saat ini, aku tidak ingin peduli. mungkin nanti, setelah waktu berjalan kembali.