Category: Scraps

it was one rainy night in early April when I walked out and was greeted by the rain, a little drizzle, as the sun had set and nightfall was approaching. twenty-four degrees, celcius, and with all that I thought that I wanted to stay a little longer beneath the sheltering roof under skyscraping heights.

drizzle, drizzle, as  I may remember…
but for one, to be heir to the princess’ throne 

even I had to admit I might have been thinking about one night few years back, or maybe of another night in another April as pouring rain greeted me through the arrival gate…

but that’s not what I was thinking about. not at all.

don’t. you. dare. pity. me.

so I walked through the rain. people were rushing, the streetlights flickered with dim light. perhaps in a hurry, the lightning prompted a little dispersion.

no, I didn’t remember Bonnie Pink^[1]. I didn’t remember that night in that other April as I walked through pouring rain, I didn’t remember the years it took, I didn’t remember anything about it!

if I were to ask, will you? take her place for me.
your option, Ma’am. all yours.

red, green, yellow; rhythm in indifferent cadenza; the breeze was getting colder; the streetlights awash with stoicism.

you didn’t have to be that kind to me. you didn’t have to say things I needed to hear. you didn’t have to make me——— dear, how much I hated myself already! or maybe it was just the rain, running through my head, through the capuchon, through the glasses, through my mind;

why, sure, what else were it not for the rain. let it fall. let’s make it all the rain’s fault…

and the rain kept on falling. and life just keeps on running.

___

[1] ‘It’s Gonna Rain’, by Bonnie Pink
[2] (re)written on June 2013

‘maaf, ini mas siapa, ya? tadi nomornya kirain mbak _____.’

‘iya, aku suaminya mbak _____.’

berpikir sebentar, setelahnya saya memandangi layar ponsel. baiklah.

.

‘kamu kenapa nggak lanjut sama dia?’

‘gimana, ya. kami beda keyakinan.’

‘agama?’

‘mesti po? kalau aku yakin suka sama dia tapi dia nggak yakin suka sama aku, njuk piye?’ (nyengir)

kemudian saya menyeruput teh. beberapa hal memang perlu disikapi kalem dan cuek sambil nyengir saja sih.

.

‘lagi nggak masuk, ya?’

‘nggak di kantor sih. ada apaan?’

‘nggak apa-apa, pengen nanya aja soal adek gue. jadi gimana tuh kerjaannya?’ (tertawa)

yang ini bukan kakakku dan adiknya itu bukan aku. tapi pengen juga sih kalau kakakku beneran telepon.

.

‘aku lagi di _____, due to some errands. dan nggak punya banyak waktu, tapi… just wondering, just wondering, if we can meet.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘iya, sebenernya pengen ketemu juga. been a while, ya.’

ketika waktu dan rencana bertabrakan dengan impulsi dan kebetulan, dan salah satu harus dikorbankan. akhirnya kami nggak ketemu.

.

‘jadi gue harus gimana dong?’

‘ngg…’

‘yah, dia lagi elu tanya. dia mah gadis ahli kitab aja dipacarin, kok. (nyengir)

sambaran yang sungguh menancap. tapi, yah… jilbab atau ahli kitab, kalau ada suka itu nggak selalu perlu syarat, kan.

.

Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction?™

silakan diputuskan sesuka dan senyaman hati anda saja. 😉

all we needed was probably
patience

that we couldn’t afford.

.

let me tell you something.

I like photographing people at their wedding. or engagement. might as well some pre-wed session. there are times when the bride smiles, the bridegroom grins, the family laugh. all the good times, in a moment to remember.

and then there was the shutter release. capturing the moment, hopefully good enough, so that one day they look back at the photograph they will be reminded that there were really precious moments they shared. that they were happy, they were loved, and everyone was smiling and laughing.

really, I think I understand how wedding photographers can be really passionate about their work.

but that’s not what I want to say to you.

there are times, actually, behind the lens, when I see the bride smiling and she looked really happy. and I couldn’t help thinking of you; ‘God, were she in front of me right now, she would make a really good photograph!’

but, you know?

I have no idea how I’m going to take your photograph at your wedding, or engagement, pre-wed whatsoever, when I can’t say for sure that I’d be able to take that photograph for you.

and then you’d ask me, ‘how so?’  and what if I tell you now, that what I want is to be by your side at that moment, and let someone else take the shutter release in that once-in-a-lifetime moment for you?

it will be annoying. like, really, seriously. I completely understand and I’m acutely aware that I’m going to miss that moment —of yours— of which might have been a great shot were it to be in front of my lens.

but still.

I don’t want to be your wedding photographer. that’s what I want to say.

dan kamu masih seperti-seperti dulu lagi
di sudut kamarmu seperti biasa, duduk sendiri
usai senyum manis dan rinai tawa
di sisi gerimis pagi

usai. iya…

aku belum bisa buatkanmu teh hangat pulang nanti
atau pula janji besok atau lusa ketemu lagi

sementara entah untuk apa aku menulis ini
ingin menemani, barangkali
sambil setengah merutuk dalam hati;

‘sadar nggak sih? kamu tuh kuat, tapi
nggak selalu harus semuanya sendiri…’

 

setelahnya, terserah kalau kamu mau pergi
tapi jangan jauh-jauh sih…

sadness is beautiful, loneliness is tragical. so help me, I can’t win this war.
touch me now, don’t bother if every second it makes me weaker.

you can save me, from the man I’ve become… 

___

beberapa kali aku bilang, ‘aku akan bisa sendiri, dengan atau tanpa kamu’.

memang. walaupun bukan berarti aku mau seperti itu. dan aku tak ingin cerita tentang masa lalu —di laman ini kamu bisa menemukan jejaknya, dari balik tulisan-tulisanku, seperti biasanya kamu kalau sedang membaca-baca halaman belakang buku.

itu juga kalau sebegitunya kamu ingin tahu.

.

ah, kamu menyebalkan. sadarkah kamu, ada sekilas inginku jejaknya terhapus langkahmu?

or how we would talk it all in, ah the old days. the old Charley at the counter, smiling and laughing, with unrelenting pieces of tales of a man looking to tell. long gone are the days, eh, but for such there are things are never going to change for better or for worse.

“told ya, James. gotta be good with that girl, okay? ain’t gonna regret, mind the old lady will you.”

what a fine girl she has been, the old man speaks in his mid-forties, reminiscent of a little girl growing up, and for that I could as well remember as good as the old man.

“Laura, that little Laura. playing at the barnyard she always was. quite a girl ain’t she? like her old lady. ah the old one always has the looks, haha!” so reminisces the old Charley with a laugh, perhaps of a love long gone, married to a man to be her husband, and through few years then the little Laura was around. the family (of three, with her mom and dad) had already stayed in the town a long, long time since before we moved in to the neighborhood. counting back then there were Charley and our families with little Laura and little James, both six-years old.

it was said that the old Charley once had a feeling for the mother in her maiden days, but for such to be true or not I never really knew nor cared. nor was I ever interested to ask him about. but the old Charley was a good man; at times he would give me nougats or sweets for helping him with work at the carpentry (though as far as I remember it counts more as looking at him working to me), while some other times we would be fishing across the pond or merely playing catch ball. sometimes we went to the house next door — at Laura’s, her mom was always good with her home-made apple pies, and Charley as I remember always treated Laura with care, like maybe a daughter he never had, or perhaps like she was a niece to his solitary life.

Laura was a quiet girl. she was never a girlish type of a daughter, and her favorite place to play was none other than the barn and the surrounding yard. sometimes, in a not-so-cold weather when the pines begin to ripe, one could see the little girl all by herself picking up the falling conifer cones with somewhat a visceral joy of a child finding something of interest. at such times Charley, back then was much younger than he is, would ask her what to do with the cones. she would then smile and saying things like it’s cute and how she likes to bring some to place in her room, so then we would be looking for some more and when I found one or two that looked good enough I gave them to her. she would be happy for little things like that. we were both 10 to 11-years old back then, Charley was in his late twenties.

on Saturdays and Sundays, both I and Charley were used to seeing her at the church. she sang in the choir, another interest of which she seemed to be enjoying herself in. after that we would be going to either her home for tea and apple pie, or to my house just to play around after the sermon. Charley was always there for us, and as Mom often said to Charley, she was more than happy to have him around the two of us. usually after few cups of tea and sometimes long chat Charley would walk Laura home, while oftentimes it would be two of us walking home together from Laura’s place.

Charley was good with guitars, so he taught me some of his tricks.

“you know, guitars,” he said, “a good friend to an old boy like me.”

he used to sing some country, something like ‘take me home, to the place I belong’ and some others as I remember. he also taught me how to handle the guitar, the keys and the fret and whatnot. not sure if I was ever good enough, but I think why not? life was just what happened, I was enjoying things as they come, and it was about the time when I was going to enroll at middle school. yet somehow I didn’t think of Charley any different; to me there would always be me and Charley, Laura would be next to him, and at times we would come to her place for afternoon tea and apple pies that tasted really good.

in the years spanning in between, a lot if not too many things have happened. we went to high school, while Charley kept himself busy with work. I still managed to visit him when I have time, mostly all by myself to help with the errands at his place. some other times Mom or Dad would ask me to deliver cookies and tea over the workshop, of which Charley would tell me to ‘sit, and help me with this’ before then we end up having tea with some of the cookies.

and Laura, that girl has grown into a young lady not unlike her mother. ever the quiet yet tomboyish girl, spending time in the barn rather than baking apple pies, while on Sundays she would be at the church and afterwards at Sunday school. if anything, perhaps she has grown like a duckling to a swan, though as Charley would often say, her charms were inherited from her mother whose apparent beauty from the old days lingers even years into the present.

I remember once under the trees of the kind she used to be playing around with when we were little. we were both 16-years old when we were walking together around the yard as she was remembering how she likes to play with the cones, and how at home she likes to look at them to see how weather goes: in dry weather, the cones would open up with shriveling scales, while otherwise they would be closing down to its usual shape as the signs of damp weather. she said once that among many things, she really likes when the three of us were looking for the cones; it’s like a little adventure, through bit by bit, and to bring a little part of it home was such a joy.

for that once I remember my face felt like burning when I said that I think I like her. I don’t know what words came out of my mouth (and how!), but by the end of the afternoon we walked home together and none of us were able to say anything to each other. we did say ‘see you tomorrow’ when we parted but it was awkward, and, honestly, I couldn’t even remember how I sounded like. only months later that I learned that she felt about the same ‘sickness’ as I was; back home I didn’t feel like eating, somewhat nauseous, and all I want to do was sleeping all through the next day but then we’d have to go to school and it didn’t help.

sights and sounds are coming back into focus from the reminiscence as I find myself back in Charley’s workshop. the 25-years old James with forty-something Charley, with all and everything we’ve been through. and that’s about Laura, the very girl I’m going to marry tomorrow, with all the good and otherwise I’m going to accept.

“say, James, young man, of the two people like a dear family to me,” he asks. “that little girl, you really do love her?”

I look at the old man, and how could I not answer that? Charley, whose solitary life was met with two children of which he saw growing up, hopefully to a fulfillment he otherwise could never have in a proper bearing of a family.

“you know better, Charley,” I tried to reply as words choked in my throat,  “for you, for that girl, sure I do. I do.”

and why do you even ask this? you have and always been with us, yet there are times when I couldn’t speak as clearly as I want to. but old man, you know better do you? of our times at the workshop, at the pond, at the church and at the barnyard, all of them!

“thank God,” but his voice begins to tremble, “that little girl, to be with someone… she loves…”

and somehow, suddenly, a long and awkward silence as the old man wrestle to find a word to say. like dragging a baggage full of emotions, something I have never seen in the old Charley I have known all my life. in the seconds of silence between us, once again I look into the old man’s eyes. and for the first and the same time I know…

“oh God, thank God, James…” he begins to shake, “you know that things weren’t… always…”

but I didn’t let Charley finish the sentence. this is too sad for the man who deserves his happiness, in an irony that joy of present entangled with sorrow of the past. I hug the shaking old man so that he wouldn’t have to say it all; glimpses in the old man’s eyes of which I finally understand, but let it not, let it not be said…

.

for everything I could remember about what Charley taught me, one thing persists even further more than years later; guitars, like a good friend to an old boy. and tonight, alone in my room, I take the guitar to play the piece I remember.

‘life is old there, older than the trees
younger than the mountains, blowing like a breeze

country roads, take me home…’

there was a young man, a little girl, and a little boy. Charley, Laura, and me, for as long as I remember.

talking at the cafeteria at the faculty in the university, to him this is one of not so many times to take one or few steps away from what he has been doing in life lately: works, assignments, deadlines, teamworks and whatnot. sometimes probably meetings and decisions, I don’t really know, having never been on that place has never established proper understanding of context and circumstances of his situations.

what I seem to know is that to this person, being in this place holds a distinct meaning on its own — like maybe nostalgia, days passing by, or a throw back to his past. or in context, my present. that always sounds complicated.

he looks a bit like me, to say the least. glasses –with half-rim– cargo and trekking shoes. there is a bit of charm mingled with confidence and slight air of authority, though at other times people might also call bits of perceived arrogance in his words.

in his early 25, few weeks past his 24, it’s easy to misunderstand. after all none of us were angels.

“I had made my decision that I’m not going halfheartedly,” he says when asked about how he is doing as a professional at work. “sometimes it’s frantic. things are going, things are not going, planned and unplanned situations. disappointments are good friends, especially when you hold yourself to high standards.

“I don’t know if it’s good or not. sometimes you just say, ‘okay, I’m dealing with this’ then you hit the gas, take the wheel, and crash to whatever awaits. to some extent it’s like having Hungarian Horntail you can’t choose,” he comes with a neat Harry Potter reference. “you can’t just run away or it equals defeat. perhaps to some people such doesn’t really matter, but I guess that’s not me! so I just get on with it. or maybe I’m just exaggerating.”

“I don’t know if it’s good or not. sometimes you just say, ‘okay, I’m dealing with this’ then you hit the gas, take the wheel, and crash to whatever awaits.”

he reserved a bit of laugh at his remarks as if he has been talking about a life or death situation. I would tend to agree about the ‘probably exaggerating’, though on the other hand one could concur that it might have stemmed from the fact that he takes enjoyment from what he has been doing.

“but one good thing is that there are reliable people. we have teams, from one place and others. few of them are pretty much the ones I very much look forward to work with. not that anyone else is not good, but sometimes I think it’s probably inherent in people. the drive, the willingness to go beyond the necessary. there is respect between us, a mutual understanding.

“these are people that I really appreciate as professionals and people. sometimes how old you are doesn’t really matter. if you are good enough you are old enough, and it doesn’t necessarily take someone being older for you to learn from. sometimes people are moving on to other places, but that’s life. but at least if we could make the ride worthwhile, that’s good enough for me.”

he noticed that it was tough as fresh graduate living in suburban area, as it was necessary to commute in order to clock the attendance according to company policy. still, in the wake of office-hour policy such as flextime or working remotely through virtual private networks, does it make an edge for an employee to be working remotely?

“it wasn’t really convenient when you are not used to spend hours on the road for each days,” he explained. “to have a quality public transportation is a basic necessity for commuters. I’m considering myself grateful about it, although it still means few hours on the road but at least it’s not that of terribly exhausting demand.

“but personally I don’t really believe in advantage of working remotely, or even flextime to some extent. there are things that simply can’t be replaced –I don’t know if it’s with a ‘yet’– when your results are not solely dependent on your workload. also there are subtle elements in teamworks, those you simply can’t address by working remotely.

“the last time I was unable to come to the office — there was a heavy jam and I was stuck for almost two hours before I decided to take a turn around and then remotely working on the situations at the office. it wasn’t really convenient even though there are technologies like cellphone and online collaboration, even when you are constantly monitoring your mailbox from a distance. much less when you are working with teams across departments.

“these are people that I really appreciate as professionals and people. sometimes how old you are doesn’t really matter. if you are good enough you are old enough.”

“then the girl from department next door called me, there were things to be discussed. I told her to check her mailbox and so on to check the status, that she could call me whenever she feels necessary and vice versa, but then the situation was frantic. such approach was highly inefficient when exposed to situations demanding quick responses, though I do believe it can be done for other purposes. but you need to do it right: you have to be modular on the workload designation, you need to remove interlocking interdependence then it can work.

“even flextime has its disadvantage to some extent. say, you have a team whose working hours range from 7-to-4, 8-to-5, and 8:30-to-5:30 respectively. you can, for example, arrange a team discussion only on 8:30-to-4. not to say when it comes to more subtle elements like team dynamics and working rhythm. I would very much like to assert that it definitely could be done, but it does pose a challenge on its own.”

he graduated from Computer Science at a university where, in a famous running gag, the freshmen were known to be told by the sophomores that they were chosen to have been ‘one in a hundred’. a place abounds with technically gifted people, few of them are living at the pretty far end of the curve in Gaussian distribution. it’s not rare, he says, for classmates he knew of currently going abroad or living overseas to continue with research in higher education or working as professionals far away from home.

“look, I could tell myself this: look at yourself, and look at your classmates. they have gone overseas, they have reached heights in their academic careers, or they are working as professionals there in Europe, Japan, Australia. some of them are used to travelling to various countries, and you are here, what are you doing?

“but since then I decided that I have better understanding of the qualities I have of my own. I couldn’t be like them, nor do I want to be. hell, I wasn’t even among the top students at the graduation. they are great at what they do, and I have genuine respects towards them. these people are working hard, and that is always a quality I respect from people I have met in my life.

“on the other hand, I know what I do. people are different –indeed they are– and what is good for them is not necessarily good for me. will I thrive at what they do? I don’t know. I don’t even want to know. they have qualities, and so do I, though what I thrive at might not exactly be the same with what they thrive at. and I’m confident about it. I’m confident about what I do, about what I can do at least to the extent of what I understand of myself.

“what is good for them is not necessarily good for me. they have qualities, and so do I, though what I thrive at might not exactly be the same with what they thrive at. and I’m confident about it.”

“in the end, we are all just people,” he smiles. “we like to get around for fried rice at Alo, some other times the boys could be playing Pro Evolution Soccer, or in other times we crave for Indomie at the cafeteria like this. so after all it’s not like there is that much difference between us.”

when he is talking about his days at university, it’s obvious and understandable that there has been a soft spot for the place where he was educated. after all, he spent four years of his life studying in the campus, with all and everything in between: classes and assignments, exams and activities, might as well crush and heartbreaks.

“this is an important place to me. there are many things I treasure here, even more than when I was in high school. courses, classes, that’s obvious, and I’ve had the fullest of that four years of my life in this place. it may sound like exaggerating, but personally I think that’s the way it is to me.

“I’ve had almost everything there is to remember here. the education, the good times when we studied late at night prior exams. those days when we packed in a room, with notebooks and slides and printouts and things like automata and numerics and such. there was once when we stayed at a friend’s place for the night prior the Scientific Computing exam, and until two in the morning there were discussions about polynomials.

“the exam was at eight on the sixth floor at the faculty. so we woke up early, somewhat sleep-deprived, and before six-thirty we were all set to leave for the campus. then one of us smirked, ‘hey, what about an additional match of PES?’ and we did exactly that within less than an hour to the exam. such things defined life back then.

“aside from that there are other things, to me to say the least. I met a first love here. I lost a friend here. I started writing when I was here. things I went through here, more or less, have contributed to what I have become right now. I’m not saying things were perfect, but at least I’m grateful with what I’ve had here. could things have been better? maybe, we never know, but I think suffice it to say that I’ve lived those years to the fullest.”

“I met a first love here. I lost a friend here. I started writing when I was here. things I went through here, more or less, have contributed to what I have become right now.”

it might be a little bit personal to people, but knowing him better I would like to know whether he is happy about his life as the way it is. quarter-life crisis and such, to put on terms people like to utter.

“quarter-life crisis? well, I don’t have any!” to which he smiles with a little laugh before then he continues with a more reserved gesture.

“honestly I don’t know. generally I can say I have satisfaction with my life, though I do believe that there are always things that could be better. there are times when I couldn’t have what I wished for –with or without ‘yet’– but I think such applies to everyone as well so I can’t really complain nor do I want to.

“on my 25th birthday few weeks ago a friend of mine greeted me a ‘happy birthday’, to which she continued ‘have an even more joyful, happier life ahead’. honestly I don’t know; have I been that happy to have an ‘even more’? but overall I think I have no particular resentment towards life.

“personally I’m trying to live without regret. things happen, sometimes inconvenient, but at least only when you are at peace with yourself you could be more content. your happiness is your responsibility, after all.”

for all that is good and otherwise in this person, there is always a striking resemblance of symmetry between us.

___

in celebration of life as a student, in celebration of life as a professional.

/4

“sebentar. kenapa kamu berjalan di belakangku?”

“bukan seperti itu juga. biasanya aku berjalan setengah langkah di belakang seorang gadis. kalau seperti ini, aku bisa dengan cepat tahu kalau terjadi sesuatu —tersandung, sakit kepala, apapunlah— anggap saja ini rencana mitigasi. contingency plan.”

“memangnya aku segampang tersandung itu?”

“mana aku tahu.”

hari sudah agak siang, dan aku hanya memandang ke sekitar sambil memperhatikan toko dan papan nama: pakaian, sepatu, peralatan olahraga. satu atau dua restoran. sesekali dia mengatakan sesuatu yang kutanggapi ringan. hal-hal yang biasa-biasa saja, di kota yang biasa-biasa saja, dan kalau kupikir-pikir lagi mungkin banyak hal dalam hidupku ini memang biasa-biasa saja.

bukannya aku keberatan, sih.

 

/2

namanya Ayu. anak ini tinggal di Tokyo, atau mungkin lebih tepatnya beberapa tahun terakhir ini dia lebih banyak berada di sana. sesekali dia pulang ke Indonesia, dan kalau kuingat-ingat lagi ternyata sudah lama sejak terakhir kali kami saling mengobrol seperti ini. biasanya kami hanya berkirim pesan atau mengobrol lewat ruang bicara via internet, lain-lainnya tidak benar-benar banyak yang bisa dilakukan soal itu.

sekali waktu dia memintaku untuk menelepon ke tempatnya (“aku perlu dibangunkan. tidak akan kuangkat deh, tenang saja,”) dan berakhir dengan aku mendengarkan pesan dari operator dalam bahasa Jepang beberapa jam kemudian: maaf, nomor ini sedang tidak dapat dihubungi, silakan mencoba lagi nanti.

ongkos panggilan internasional. ya sudahlah.

 

/1

aku menemuinya pada pagi hari menjelang siang. kalau dari agak jauh seperti ini, dia tampak seperti gadis mungil sedikit-bingung yang sedang berdiri di depan kasir penjual donat dan kopi. di depannya etalase, di atas kepalanya papan nama toko yang bersinar coklat-jingga, dan di sekitarnya orang-orang berlalu-lalang dalam suasana setengah-ramai.

“terlambat!”

aku mengumpat sambil memanggil namanya. saat itu jam sepuluh lewat tiga puluh tujuh, dan tidak perlu hebat matematika untuk mengetahui berapa lama sudah berlalu dari pukul sepuluh pagi.

“eh, maaf. sori. tadi macet soalnya, aduh. eh, duduk dulu deh.”

“hmm,” aku mengangkat sebelah alis. “yang benar saja. kamu pesan dulu sana!”

aku mengarahkan pandangan ke kasir. dia menyebutkan pesanannya sebelum akhirnya menyerahkan selembar seratus ribu rupiah yang segera dikembalikan dalam beberapa lembar rupiah lain oleh petugas kasir. setelahnya aku memesan dan membayar untuk kopi dengan karamel (“terima kasih,” petugas yang ramah kalau menurutku) sebelum akhirnya kami memilih tempat di sofa yang berada di sisi ruangan.

 

/3

“gomennasai ne, osokunatta,“^[1] ujarnya dalam bahasa Jepang sehari-hari yang bisa kupahami. “tadi aku diantar, tapi ternyata macet…”

aku mengangkat bahu, sekilas mengatakan ‘tidak apa-apa’. lagipula di Jakarta kita juga tidak selalu bisa memperkirakan kapan kita akan sampai dari kapan kita berangkat. tentu saja itu juga bukan pembenaran sih, tapi kalau nasi sudah menjadi bubur, lebih baik dimakan saja, kan?

setelahnya kami saling menanyakan kabar dan melibatkan diri dalam obrolan ringan cukup santai. seperti biasanya, seperti sewajarnya.

“aku sudah memberitahumu banyak hal dari obrolan kita yang kemarin-kemarin,” katanya. “sekarang gantian, dong! aku mau dengar ceritamu.”

“tentang apa?”

“macam-macam. kabar sekarang, finansial, pekerjaan. apapun lah.”

“kabarku… baik-baik saja. finansial tidak buruk, pekerjaan cukup menyenangkan. ada hal-hal yang perlu dan harus dilakukan, tapi secara umum tidak ada keluhan sih,” aku menjawab. “I’m enjoying the challenges. atau setidaknya, kurasa seperti itu— eh, kenapa?”

entah apakah ada yang aneh dengan jawabanku, tapi kurasa aku menangkap pandangan yang sedikit tidak biasa dari seberang meja.

“nggak apa-apa. cuma kayaknya jarang sih, orang bisa ngomong begitu soal pekerjaan mereka,” aku mendengar jawabannya sedikit menggantung. “ngomong-ngomong, terima kasih banyak, ya. kamu cuti hari ini, kan.”

aku tersenyum. memang benar seperti itu sih keadaannya.

“yah, sebagiannya kurasa aku sedang perlu… apa ya? mungkin mengambil jarak dari pekerjaan untuk saat ini. kurasa seperti pemain sepakbola sih, walaupun mereka pada dasarnya senang dengan apa yang mereka kerjakan, tetap saja mereka juga perlu istirahat, kan.”

“mungkin aku beruntung soal ini,” aku melanjutkan. “ngomong-ngomong, bagaimana Tokyo?”

“ah. seperti yang sudah kukatakan sebelum dan sebelumnya lagi,” katanya sambil tertawa. “aku ini mahasiswa miskin.”

“dari ceritanya sih sepertinya memang begitu.”

dia mengambil posisi siap mengarahkan kepalan. tidak apa-apa, lagipula kupikir juga jangkauannya tidak akan sampai ke tempatku, kok. meskipun demikian kalau aku bilang begitu kurasa aku akan disambit cangkir kopi, jadi untuk hal ini aku lebih baik tidak usah ngomong saja deh.

“huh. jadi kalau di sana paling aku makan di ramen-ya atau sushi-ya yang murah dekat apartemen. nggak bisa sering-sering yang mahal, sih.” dia menambahkan. “oleh karena itu, hari ini traktir aku, ya.”

“kan aku sudah janji soal itu.”

aku sudah bilang dia ini mahasiswa PhD di Todai^[2]? secara singkat seperti itulah ceritanya sehingga dia berada di Tokyo beberapa tahun terakhir ini. tahun-tahun awalnya di sana dihabiskan dengan kuliah pascasarjana yang diperolehnya dengan beasiswa, setelahnya dia melanjutkan dengan riset dan program doktor di tempatnya sekarang ini.

 

/5

“jadi aku diantar orangtuaku tadi,” katanya. “mereka ada urusan, dan tadinya aku mau sendiri saja. ternyata tidak boleh. kayaknya mereka merasa Jakarta tidak aman atau sejenisnya.”

saat itu lewat jam makan siang dan kami sudah berada di tempat lain dan menunggu tempat di daftar antrian. sebelumnya dia sempat mengatakan tentang sushi^[3] untuk makan siang, dan setelah diskusi singkat akhirnya kami berada di sana.

“tadinya aku ingin sekalian nonton. kamu juga kan bisa diganggu seharian ini, tapi karena ditunggu seperti ini jadi tidak bisa, deh. maaf, ya.”

aku tertawa. kukatakan bahwa aku merasa sedikit tidak sopan, yang segera ditukasnya dengan ‘apaan sih’ sambil tertawa ringan. dia mengatakan bahwa waktunya seharusnya masih cukup untuk mengobrol santai, jadi tenang saja.

“jadi,” kataku. “ini adalah anak yang sudah menaklukkan Tokyo, tapi bingung arah dan nggak bisa jalan sendirian di Jakarta.” aku geleng-geleng kepala.

“nggak tahu tuh. kayaknya mereka kuatir anak gadisnya ini akan kenapa-kenapa, kan saya ini kelihatannya polos dan lugu…”

“cukup. iya. saya paham. sepertinya anda memang gampang dikerjai. orang akan dengan mudah berbuat jahat kepada anda. lagipula anda gampang terjatuh dan tersasar. saya mengerti.”

baiklah, jadi demi keselamatannya sendiri aku memutuskan untuk sependapat bahwa sebaiknya dia tidak berjalan-jalan sendirian di kota ini. maksudku, kalau sampai hilang kan susah mencarinya?

aku mendengar ‘heaaaa’ pelan dan setelahnya bunyi ‘duk’ —kepalannya sudah berada di sisi kepalaku.

setelahnya pelayan memanggil bahwa pesanan meja untuk dua orang sudah siap. dia berjalan duluan, aku sedikit di belakangnya.

.

“entah ya, aku sendiri merasa kekagumanku terhadap Jepang juga tidak sebegitu tingginya,” kataku. “sama halnya dengan negara-negara lain, maksudku. kurasa sebagian orang cenderung memandang Jepang terlalu tinggi.”

“kenapa begitu?”

“apa ya… aku merasa kulturnya cenderung tidak cocok,” aku berusaha menjawab dengan jujur. “etos dan semangat juang itu hal yang bagus, tapi kurasa secara kultural itu agak terlalu kaku. soal hirarki, misalnya. memangnya kamu tidak merasa seperti itu?”

“iya sih,” katanya. “aku ingat dulu waktu orientasi PhD, aku datang kasual, gembel saja sih. profesornya datang dengan rapi, dengan kurang senang bilang ‘mahasiswa master itu di sebelah sana’ kepadaku. nggak tahu karena pakaian atau tampang, ya. menyebalkan, sih.”

aku tertawa, dan kukatakan sambil lalu bahwa mungkin itu caranya menyampaikan bahwa si profesor itu merasa tidak senang. tapi mana aku tahu, yang berada di sana kan bukan aku. kami masih mengobrol agak panjang setelahnya. tentang etos dan kultur, dan apa-apa yang berbeda dari sini dan di sana.

kurasa pada akhirnya Jepang, Eropa, atau di manapun itu, satu hal tetap: kebudayaan, selamanya adalah produk anak bangsa-bangsa. masing-masing dengan kelebihannya, masing-masing dengan kekurangannya.

.

beberapa porsi pesanan sudah diantarkan ke meja. sebagiannya sudah habis sepanjang obrolan tadi, sementara yang lain masih menunggu diantarkan.

“kani-mayo^[4] di sini enak,” katanya. “dan kalau kita pesan ocha^[5], kita bisa tambah berulang-ulang,” dia menambahkan. “aku sendiri kalau ke sini sering minta tambah mayonnaise.”

aku memandang ke sisi meja. potongan jahe, wasabi, kecap asin serta kecap manis. mayonnaise disajikan sebagai tambahan berdasarkan pesanan, jadi kalau tidak diminta tidak akan disediakan.

“jadi, cerita dong! kamu belum cerita banyak tentang dirimu. aku kan sudah cerita banyak dari tadi,” katanya setengah merajuk.

aku mengambil waktu untuk diam sejenak dan berpikir. maksudku, bagaimana, ya. aku sendiri tidak merasa ada banyak hal yang menarik dalam kehidupanku yang biasa-biasa saja ini. walaupun kalau aku mengatakan seperti itu, kurasa dia juga tidak akan menanggapinya dengan senang hati, jadi…

“baiklah, silakan bertanya.”

dan seperti itulah yang kukatakan. aku tersenyum, kurasa ini akan panjang….

 

/7

malamnya aku sudah berada di rumah dan tidak sedang melakukan apa-apa. sedikit lewat sore tadi kami sudah berpisah untuk beberapa lama, setelahnya aku memutuskan untuk berjalan-jalan sendiri sebelum akhirnya mengarahkan langkah untuk pulang. sore hari sudah lewat, dan sejauh yang kuingat langit sudah tampak lebih gelap ketika aku membuka pintu dan meletakkan sepatu.

sudah dua atau tiga jam sejak petang berlalu ketika aku mendengar ada pesan masuk dari telepon genggam di bawah bantal. biasanya aku akan berpikir bahwa mungkin ini adalah pesan pendek tidak-diinginkan —iklan penawaran kartu kredit, atau pinjaman tanpa agunan, atau promosi nada sambung balik dari operator— tapi entah untuk alasan apa, untuk kali ini ada sesuatu yang sedikit berbeda dari biasanya.

“sama-sama, Yudi,” demikian pesan pendek yang terbaca olehku. “terima kasih sudah meluangkan waktu untuk Ayu, ya.” setelahnya ucapan salam, dan dengan demikian akhir dari pesan yang kuterima.

aku memandangi layar untuk beberapa saat, setelahnya aku memeriksa beberapa catatan dari arsip pesan pendek yang pernah kuterima dan kukirimkan. penerbangan kembali ke Tokyo dalam sepuluh hari, dan setelah itu seperti biasa; lima ribu kilometer dan dua jam untuk perbedaan jarak dan waktu dari tempat kami masing-masing.

aku meletakkan telepon genggam di sisi tempat tidur. pesan tersebut dikirimkan oleh ibunya.

 

/6

menit-menit sudah berlalu, dan kami sedang mengobrol dengan nyaman ketika aku mendengar suara dering telepon. sekilas melirik ke sisi meja, telepon diangkat dan aku mendengar suaranya menjawab ‘sebentar lagi’, disusul beberapa percakapan singkat dan kemudian telepon diletakkan kembali.

aku menanyakan apakah dia sudah ditunggu, dan dengan demikian mungkin sudah waktunya kami berpisah. kemudian sunyi sejenak —bukan dalam artian buruk, kukira— sebelum akhirnya aku mendengar suaranya lagi.

“eh, etoo… aku boleh minta sesuatu?”

“silakan,” aku menjawab. “jangan sungkan-sungkan.”

sedikit sunyi lagi untuk beberapa lama, tapi kurasa itu juga bukan hal yang sepenuhnya buruk atau tidak nyaman, jadi aku hanya menunggu apa yang akan dikatakannya.

“…tulis tentang hari ini, ya. onegaishimasu^[6].”

mencoba memahami maksud permintaannya, aku memandang ke arahnya dan sekilas kuperhatikan pandangannya terarah ke meja.

“maksudku, aku mungkin akan lupa. kamu sendiri bilang, manusia itu ingatannya terbatas. jadi… tulis tentang hari ini, ya. onegaishimasu.”

kemudian dia membungkuk singkat dari tempat duduknya setelah mengatakan hal tersebut. sedikit atau banyaknya aku paham bahwa dalam budaya Jepang hal seperti ini mengungkapkan permohonan, tapi untuk sekilas yang singkat hal ini membuatku sedikit jengah. keterkejutan kecil yang tidak biasa, kalau boleh kukatakan, sebelum akhirnya aku mencoba tersenyum dan menjawab.

“jangan kuatir,” aku menjawab dengan sebuah anggukan pelan.

“it’s a promise.”

.

kami berpisah di salah satu bagian selasar di dekat tangga beberapa lama kemudian. tidak perlu diantarkan, katanya, dan dengan demikian kami hanya saling pamit di antara deretan toko dan restoran yang tidak terlalu sibuk pada bagian hari yang tidak terlalu ramai.

“aku duluan, ya.”

dia melambaikan tangan. aku membalasnya sekilas dan memperhatikan langkahnya berbelok di salah satu sudut beberapa puluh langkah dari tempatku. setelahnya aku berbalik, memperhatikan orang-orang serta barang-barang dan suasana yang sedikit santai tanpa terlalu banyak manusia di sekitarnya. mungkin hanya soal waktu — dalam beberapa jam, kurasa, akan lebih banyak orang berada di tempat ini, seperti lazimnya keramaian di sore hari menjelang akhir pekan.

hari yang lain di Jakarta, pikirku. atau mungkin tidak juga, tapi kurasa ini juga bukan hal yang tidak menyenangkan.

setidaknya untukku, setidaknya untuk saat ini.

___

[1] “maaf ya, terlambat.”
[2] Todai (東大): Tokyo Daigaku (東京大学), atau Universitas Tokyo
[3] makanan dengan komposisi nasi dan ikan segar atau jenis lain dari makanan laut
[4] jenis sushi dengan komposisi kani (= ‘kepiting’) yang digulung dengan nori (= ‘rumput laut’)
[5] teh hijau
[6] ungkapan untuk permohonan dalam bahasa Jepang

sedikitnya sudah 15 tahun berlalu, dan seperti biasanya setelah shalat Id pagi ini aku pergi ke tempatmu. aku ingat dulu di tempat ini masih banyak pohon rimbun, di sisinya tangga dan tegel batu. kemudian lewat beberapa tahun setelahnya petak-petak tempat ini mulai banyak dikeramik dan jalannya dipasangi konblok, dan sekarang ini jalanan di antara petak-petak di dalam tampak sudah lebih rapi.

hari ini aku datang agak terlambat. istrimu—seseorang yang kupanggil ‘ibu’— ternyata sudah berada di sana dan aku melihat adikku bersamanya.

adikku. ini adalah anak gadismu, yang kalau masih ingat, dulu sering duduk bareng menonton MacGyver atau Knight Rider sambil bermain balok kubus. sesekali dia melemparkan kubus mainannya ke kepalaku atau kakaknya yang lain, dan kemudian terjadi keributan kecil. kalau kupikir-pikir lagi dulu pasti berisik sekali, ya.

sekarang dia sudah dewasa, dan kalau bisa melihatnya kurasa dia akan membuatmu bangga. bukan apa-apa juga, tapi kurasa aku paham. bagaimanapun ikatan antara seorang ayah dan anak gadisnya juga bukanlah sesuatu yang tidak bisa kupahami. iya, kan?

dan tentu saja juga ibuku. gadis cerdas sedikit pemalu yang entah bagaimana kamu bisa menginap di lokasi tugasnya di daerah tertinggal dulu—dengan izin keluarga besarnya! kata mereka dulu sebagai pemuda dirimu sering pergi naik jip serta main bilyard, tapi pada saat yang sama juga mereka mengatakan tak ragu soal ilmu dan ibadahmu. yang kuingat juga kamu yang mengajarkanku tentang shalat Rawatib, tapi mungkin manusia memang punya banyak sisi, ya.

untuk hal-hal seperti ini kurasa aku perlu banyak belajar darimu. ah, seandainya, dan kurasa memang ada banyak hal yang tidak kupahami benar.

aku menyapa sekilas dan tampak mereka sudah siap untuk pergi, jadi kukatakan bahwa aku akan menyusul ke rumah setelahnya. kukatakan juga bahwa aku masih ingin di sini dulu, setelahnya aku melihat mereka berpapasan dengan beberapa tetangga sebelum kemudian berlalu di balik turunan tangga serta tegel batu.

.

aku berlutut di sisi undakan keramik, memperhatikan dan menelusuri ukiran pada granit yang sudah belasan tahun usianya. bekas coaknya tampak aus dimakan waktu, tapi satu hal jelas: namamu yang tertulis di sana. seperti yang bisa kuingat, seperti yang selalu kuingat.

aku memejamkan mata. rabbighfirli, ya Tuhanku,

ampunilah orang tua kami, dan sayangilah mereka
sebagaimana mereka menyayangi kami di waktu kecil.

beberapa doa lagi yang kuingat, kemudian aku menghela nafas. Lebaran kali ini berbeda dengan tahun-tahun sebelumnya. yang tidak datang, yang hilang, dan yang pergi. baik atau buruknya aku tidak peduli. yang ada hanya alasan-alasan, manusia dengan segala kilahnya. hal-hal yang kadang demikian memuakkannya sampai aku sudah kehilangan ingin untuk percaya, dan pada akhirnya ingin kuanggap omong kosong saja.

keluarga, sesuatu atau sebagian tentangnya, dan aku bertanya-tanya: kalau dirimu, apa yang akan kamu lakukan? mungkin akan lebih bijak dariku, ya. aku sendiri tidak merasa benar-benar bisa melakukan banyak hal dengan baik, tapi apapun itu sisanya kurasa cuma pembenaran. bukankah manusia selalu punya pilihan, sekalipun itu hanya di dasar hati? tapi itulah selemah-lemahnya iman, lemahnya manusia, seperti sekali waktu aku ingat dirimu mengutip sepotong hadis.

.

pagi ini sebelum shalat tadi, aku terbangun sebelum subuh dan setelahnya aku hanya menyeruput secangkir Coffeemix dan beberapa potong nastar serta kastengel. yang kupikirkan adalah, tiba-tiba aku merasa bahwa mungkin akan menyenangkan seandainya kita bisa duduk sambil minum kopi dan membicarakan banyak hal.

tentang ibuku, gadis hebat yang, walaupun kadang agak terlalu mudah panik, bisa melakukan banyak hal hebat sendirian. ngomong-ngomong, sampai sekarang aku tidak tahu bagaimana persisnya caramu memenangkan hatinya.

tentang aku dan saudara-saudaraku, yang walaupun kadang mereka sedikit menyebalkan, tapi secara jujur kuakui masih jauh lebih baik daripada banyak hal lain yang pernah kutemui. adikku dan kakaknya, masing-masing dengan kelebihan dan kekurangannya.

tentang karir, apa-apa yang sedang, bisa, dan akan kulakukan. apa-apa yang ingin kuraih, sesuatu yang ingin kubuktikan bukan untuk orang lain, sesuatu yang sampai saat ini masih dan akan terus kukejar dengan caraku sendiri.

tentang seorang gadis yang pernah kucintai, dan mungkin sampai sekarangpun masih. kalau ada seseorang kepada siapa aku akan bisa membicarakannya dengan benar-benar jujur, kurasa orang itu adalah dirimu.

banyak, ya. dan kurasa masih jauh, jauh lebih banyak daripada yang bisa kusebutkan.

.

matahari sudah mulai naik, dan di sekitar kuperhatikan tempat ini mulai sepi. sebentar lagi tetangga-tetangga akan bertandang ke rumah, dan seperti biasa aku juga akan harus mempersiapkan banyak hal untuk tamu-tamu yang akan berdatangan. kalau kuingat-ingat lagi, banyak di antara mereka masih mengingatmu sebagai ayahku. bapak imam masjid yang dulu adalah teman akrabmu selalu bertandang setelah mengimami shalat pagi harinya. tetangga yang kini sudah pindah ke kompleks sebelah, kini masih berkunjung setelah lebaran. tetangga lain dulu mengingatmu mendorong kereta bayi, dan yang lain-lainnya aku tidak benar-benar bisa mengingatnya satu per satu.

aku melemparkan pandangan ke sekitar, dan terperhatikan olehku bahwa semakin banyak petak-petak yang sudah terisi seiring tahun-tahun yang berlalu. berada di tempat seperti ini mau tidak mau aku merasa teringatkan juga; suatu hari nanti, mungkin tempatku juga akan berada di sini. atau mungkin juga di tempat lain. atau mungkin juga di tempat yang jauh sekali, tapi entahlah.

dari sisi tempat ini, entah kenapa aku teringat sebaris lirik yang rasanya pernah kudengar, entah di mana dan entah kapan.

karena aku laki-laki
bila ku merasa sepi
datanglah bercerita, yah!
entah kapan…

cukup sekian dulu,
kuberi kabar lagi…

memandangi granit dengan gelap dan kelabunya yang terus dimakan usia, aku berdiri sebelum akhirnya membalikkan badan dan melangkah.

sampai nanti, yah. sampai ketemu lagi.